The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More, and Change the Way You Lead Forever

“Coaching is simple. It’s just not easy.” — Michael Bungay Stanier

Most leaders and managers want to help. But in their eagerness to offer solutions, they often rob others of the opportunity to think, grow, and solve problems themselves. That’s where The Coaching Habit flips the script: instead of giving advice, you ask better questions.

Michael Bungay Stanier lays out a practical system for turning coaching into an everyday habit — not through long sessions, but through short, strategic conversations built on seven powerful questions. These questions disrupt the advice trap and shift the focus to empowering others.

Let’s break down the key ideas and put them into actionable steps you can use immediately — whether you’re leading a team, mentoring a client, or building your own creative process.

Why You Need a Coaching Habit

Stanier highlights a simple truth: most people don’t really listen — they wait to talk. We default to giving advice because it feels efficient and gratifying. But advice isn’t always what’s needed. (My partner says that I suffer this problem – wanting to solve her problems rather than listening to her work things out for herself!)

Instead, coaching creates space. It invites people to reflect, learn, and take ownership. The impact? Better thinking, stronger relationships, and deeper trust — all in just a few minutes per interaction.

The key lies in habit formation: making these coaching moments automatic and repeatable.

The 7 Essential Coaching Questions

Stanier structures the book around 7 core questions. These are not scripts — they’re doorways to deeper insight.

Let’s go through each one with examples and practical use cases.

1. The Kickstart Question

“What’s on your mind?”

✅ Purpose: Open up the conversation and go straight to what matters.

💬 Why it works: This question is focused and personal. It invites someone to bring up what’s most important right now, without requiring small talk or vague direction.

🛠️ Try it:
When checking in with a team member or collaborator, start with this instead of “How’s it going?” It moves past polite noise into meaningful territory.

2. The AWE Question

“And what else?”

✅ Purpose: Dig deeper. The first answer is rarely the only or best answer.

💬 Why it works: People tend to stop at surface-level thinking. “And what else?” helps you uncover what’s underneath — often where the real insight or issue lives.

🛠️ Try it:
Use this 2–3 times in a row. You’ll be surprised how often the third or fourth “else” is the goldmine.

3. The Focus Question

“What’s the real challenge here for you?”

✅ Purpose: Narrow the conversation to what really matters, for that person, in that moment.

💬 Why it works: It centers the individual and avoids problem-solving generalities. Often, people describe external issues when the real challenge is internal (fear, confusion, avoidance).

🛠️ Try it:
When someone is venting or stuck in story mode, pause and ask this. It redirects the lens inward, where change is possible.

4. The Foundation Question

“What do you want?”

✅ Purpose: Uncover hidden desires, unmet needs, and stuck thinking.

💬 Why it works: People often aren’t clear on what they want — or they’re afraid to say it. This question creates clarity and reclaims agency.

🛠️ Try it:
When someone is circling an issue, use this to bring it home. You’ll often hear surprising truths.

5. The Lazy Question

“How can I help?”

✅ Purpose: Offer help without assumption.

💬 Why it works: Instead of rushing to solve the problem, this hands the responsibility back. It avoids the “advice trap” and clarifies expectations.

🛠️ Try it:
When tempted to jump in with a fix, pause and ask this. It might be enough. Or the other person might say, “I just needed to talk it out.”

6. The Strategic Question

“If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”

✅ Purpose: Reinforce commitment and encourage conscious trade-offs.

💬 Why it works: Every yes is also a no — to time, attention, energy, or priorities. This question brings that reality into focus and strengthens decision-making.

🛠️ Try it:
When someone commits to a big goal or action, follow up with this to ensure alignment.

7. The Learning Question

“What was most useful or valuable here for you?”

✅ Purpose: Cement learning and reflection.

💬 Why it works: People learn more when they reflect — even briefly. This question turns the coaching moment into a personal insight moment.

🛠️ Try it:
End meetings or sessions with this. It boosts retention and gives both parties useful feedback.

The Advice Trap: Why We Default to Solving

Stanier’s big red flag is “The Advice Monster” — that internal voice that leaps in with ideas, fixes, and expertise. While it feels helpful, it often creates three problems:

1. You solve the wrong problem.

2. You create dependency.

3. You disempower the other person.

His antidote is awareness + questions. Stay curious a little longer. Ask one more question than you normally would.

“The minute you give advice, you shut down thinking.”

Making Coaching a Habit

Coaching doesn’t need to be formal. In fact, it’s better when it’s embedded in the everyday — in conversations, emails, and check-ins.

Here’s how to make it stick:

🧠 1. Practice Micro-Coaching Moments

Don’t wait for a big meeting. Inject questions into 1:1s, Slack threads, or even quick chats. One well-placed “What’s the real challenge here for you?” can change a day.

🔁 2. Use Triggers to Build the Habit

Pair your coaching with a cue:

• Before offering feedback → ask “What do you want?”

• When someone brings a problem → ask “And what else?”

• At the end of a meeting → ask “What was most useful?”

🧹 3. Stay Out of the Weeds

If someone shares a challenge, resist the urge to dive into tactics. Help them reflect instead. They’ll often solve it themselves — and feel more empowered doing it.

🧭 4. Anchor to Values

Keep your coaching aligned with personal or organizational values. Use the questions to clarify not just problems, but purpose.

💬 5. Build Reflection In

The Learning Question is a must. It helps people extract meaning from conversations — and reinforces that you’re there to help them grow, not just get things done.

Recap: The 7 Coaching Questions At-a-Glance

Final Takeaway: Be More Coach, Less Fixer

Stanier’s book is a practical, powerful guide for shifting from telling to asking. The magic isn’t in complex frameworks or hours-long coaching sessions. It’s in a few great questions, asked at the right time, with presence and patience.

This isn’t just a book for managers — it’s a book for parents, creators, solopreneurs, teachers, and anyone who wants to lead with clarity, curiosity, and care.

I do have my own coaching programme called Rapid Results Coaching (and before that I owned my own profit-improvement consultancy.)