lets_be_honest Look at the situation from everyones position. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. We just got thru the holidays. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. I agree with you both. Could that be why theyve been there so much? True enough, Flake. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Youve been together four months. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. Is this normal? Ann Cannon. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. GatorGirl Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. Geocaching!!!! Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. I agree with you. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. Come on, BGM! I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Have you tried just not going? At best, a season and a half. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. if you dont want there to be issues. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. ReginaRey LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Thats totally a lot. Different strokes for different folks. Schedule some girls' nights out. Heck, some people are just like that. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. ReginaRey It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability So dont wait around for that. a lot of people just arent that way. Yeah.. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. allathian I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. leilani But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. 2. I just dont understand this concept. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. , silver_dragon_girl Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. So its not like every.single.weekend. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. Get out and DO something. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Im in the same boat. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest This is something about him that will likely never change. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. artsygirl I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. I think its also different when it isnt your family. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Plan a trip to visit your family. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? YES! but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. That was seven years ago. Ktfran June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. I thought the same thing. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. You cant. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. I am curious of yalls ages though. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Your Lemongrass This is how children are taught. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique . She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. Ergo, off to the parents home. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? Its time for him to grow up. I give up. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. ForeverYoung I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. I have friends who are engaged and live together. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. Starting over! Then you may just be spending too much time together. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. i really disliked him. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. lemongrass January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Who keeps the dog? Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. What about visiting your parents? January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. I am afraid for humanity. Laura Hope It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. allathian So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. . But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! Summer and fall is half the year. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. GatorGirl Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. It doesnt scream big problem to me. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. That they are obviously not, it is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to probably! 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So hell not do the same with me, Ill reconsider ( and other stuff, wanted! And discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me probably weekends.